iReally Meant It
by SylvesterM
Summary: Sam is faced with the reality that she's hurting even when he's not there to cause it. Sort of set before #I Jump The Tuna Thing in the Sam & Cat Universe and after the iCarly finale. One shot. Continuation of iMeant It but not exactly a direct sequel; can be read as a standalone.


The Shay household's front door swung open abruptly. Sam paid the sudden entrance no mind from her seat on the couch. Freddie always waltzed in nowadays. He rarely knocked anymore. Maybe she was rubbing off on him, she mused. Oh the effect that boy had on Sam. To the naked eye, it was unthinkable that Freddie still affected Sam. Of course if you were to look closely, closer than she would ever allow anyone to look, you would see it.

It could be seen in the way Sam would be unable to look away when he smiled. It could be seen in the way she made fun of him with a certain liveliness in her eyes. It could be seen in the lingering looks she'd give the oblivious boy when his head is turned. It could be seen in the curl of her lips, more than a smirk yet less than a smile, a look she reserved for him alone. It could be seen in her clenched fists and gritted teeth when he'd talk about other girls. It could be seen in the vacancy of her stares and the dullness of her eyes, her secretive sadness leaking out when she's alone and her walls are down. But of course, if someone were to mention any of these things to her, someone would sooner loose a tooth than get her to admit it.

Sam hated the effect Freddie had on her. Not because she _actually_ hated him but because she prided herself in having control over her emotions and her feelings. Sam was strong. Sam was independent. Sam was her own woman and nobody could do anything about it. That was, at least, until Freddie came along. Freddie was the sole force that could sway and control Sam's heart, and that made Sam feel weak. And Sam didn't like feeling weak. There was a time she permitted it. Unfortunately that time had long passed and she swore she would never let her walls down for that boy to come in again. Sam felt secure and safe with him up until they broke up. She _let_ herself be vulnerable and weak to his sway. Anyone that knew Sam well knew that meant she trusted him immensely.

Sam didn't know what compelled her to idly look up at Freddie as he entered, despite the brief butterflies it gave her, accompanied by the tug at her heartstrings that made her gulp nervously yet discreetly. Both the butterflies and the tugging intensified when her eyes met his own dark brown, chocolate orbs. For a moment all she could think was, _"Why do you have to be so gorgeous, you damn nub?"_

Before she could crack a joke about his striped sweater, Freddie spoke up, urgency in his voice, "We need to talk."

Sam, quite puzzled and suddenly very anxious, replied, "About what, Frednub?"

Ignoring the insult completely, he just flatly said, " _Us._ "

If Sam didn't know any better, she would have thought she was having a stroke.

A pain gripped her heart so strongly and clawed her insides so intensely that it could only be compared to jagged fire pokers raking across her skin. Sam was feeling a mix of hope, anxiety, and sheer terror and she didn't quite know what to do. At this point, Sam eyed the door Freddie came from. Her muscles tensed and she prepared to make a run for it. Sam wasn't having this conversation today. She was in no way ready.

Freddie continued, not waiting for her reply at all or even noticing her tension, "This can't w- _I_ can't wait anymore, okay?"

The boy took a seat next to Sam, causing her to stiffen and her eyes to widen as she looked at him. She was frozen in place and completely at his mercy. Her arms and legs refused to move, and she could do nothing but listen to him as she froze.

Unfazed, Freddie went on, "I think about you every day. I think about when we were dating and I think about your smile and your lips and GOD I miss your kisses. Every day I think about all those great memories I have with you... and I think about how we broke up and it just kills me; I tell you, it _kills_ me!" Freddie put his heads in his hands and ruffled his hair for a moment and Sam simply looked at him fearfully.

"Freddie, I-" Sam, hand on chest, and quite stunned, was interrupted.

"I was happiest when we were together. I have never, ever experienced such a high euphoric level of _bliss._ Life with you was FANTASTIC. Ever since we broke up, I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, I can't even think straight! I haven't gotten an A on any of Mr. Howard's quizzes since we split!" Freddie stood up abruptly and began pacing back and forth, muttering under his breath like a madman. Sam, just a little bit frightened, cautiously stood up.

Sam had no idea what she was going to say to him but she couldn't let him continue to pace around. It was driving her nuts. He had his back turned to her when she slowly reached a hand out to try and calm him down. Before her hand made contact, Freddie spun on his heel to face her once again, causing Sam to take a defensive step back.

"I don't need you to say a lot. I just want to hear that you'll take me back. At the very least think about it because I... life just isn't fun anymore without you." Freddie looked at Sam with pleading eyes, and she was helpless. So many thoughts raced through her head and she barely had time to process any of them. What was she going to say to the boy?

"Freddie... I don't know where to begin." He looked at Sam with patient but earnest eyes that captivated and enthralled her. "It didn't end so well last time, you know? And what's changed? Who's to say it won't end the same way?"

"Please." Freddie stepped forward, an intensity in his eyes that pierced through Sam in ways she would never admit.

Sam stared at the ground for moment before speaking up, "Maybe if we take it slow... _very_ , _very slow_?" She looked at Freddie, watching his face go from sad to giddy in moments in a way that tickled her heart.

"I love you too!" Freddie exclaimed, suddenly stepping and reaching forward.

"Wait, what?!" Sam exclaimed, utterly bewildered by Freddie as he approached. Sam stepped back in alarm, raising her hands up to keep him at bay.

"I won't let you down, Carly!" The words made Sam's blood run cold and petrify her. She couldn't move. She couldn't evade Freddie as he continued moving forward to embrace her. She would have thought she suddenly grew roots and embedded herself into the floor if it weren't for the fact that Freddie shoved her aside to hug none other than Carly Shay, who apparently was standing behind Sam the entire time.

Losing balance, Sam tripped and fell butt first onto the ground. She stuttered, wide eyed and staring at the two before her. "But..." Sam trailed off, the bewilderment on par with the heartache. She willed herself to stand up and get the hell out of the loft as soon as possible, but Sam was once again paralyzed. There was no running from this nightmare.

"But I thought you love me?" Sam whispered under her breath, unable to tear her disbelieving eyes away from the two brunettes that were in the middle of ripping her heart to shreds. Freddie released Carly for a moment to look at Sam, the evident disgust on his face burning a hole through her heart.

"Love you? As if you ever loved me." He scoffed, as if repulsed by the very thought. Carly looked at Sam with disdain, adding, "All you ever did was push him around and make fun of him, Sam. You didn't love him and he didn't love you. How could he?"

Sam's lips quivered, unable to aid her in producing a reply. She had never been cut so deeply in her life.

"You never meant what you said in that elevator, Sam. You know it." Was what Freddie spat at Sam with acid in his tone. Sam shook her head furiously, begging her teary eyes not to begin flowing.

It wasn't true. No way in hell it was true. She loved Freddie for all he was worth. He was the brightest part of her every day. He made her feel things she never thought she could ever feel for another person. His love was the happiest chapter of her book of life. He made her feel like the star of the show; the number one and not the sidekick. He made her feel like _Princess Puckett_ wasn't an insult and was instead an endearing name. Freddie was _her_ dork that she _loved_. Sam missed him _terribly_. She missed his smooth voice and his stupid jokes. She missed his dark hair and his stupid cute face. She missed his soft lips and his loving hands. She missed every damn thing about Freddie but she would sooner die than proclaim all the thoughts racing through her head.

Instead, she did all she was capable of doing. "No. No, no, no." Sam repeated over and over again, her voice increasing in desperation with each round. Her teary eyes looked up at _her_ Freddie pleadingly, "Oh Freddie baby, you know that's not true." She uttered softly, her futile hope that the nickname would get through to him was fading by the moment. When Freddie ignored her completely and instead turned all his attention on Carly as if he had tunnel vision, Sam knew it was official: her heart was in pieces.

"I meant it, Freddie! I really meant it! I promise; you have to believe me! I really meant it!" Sam's repeated cries felt on deaf ears as the tears began to stream and as all hope ceased with a final deep and dying breath. The reality that it was over hit Sam like a ton of bricks for a second time since their break up in the elevator. The gravity of the fact that she would never be the one he held tightly again was too much for her to bare, and Sam knew there was no way out. Her limbs acted as dead weights, and she found herself weakly repeating herself endlessly in between her sobs.

"I really meant it."

"Sam. Sam! SAMMY!" The high pitched voice to her right caused her to jolt up into a sitting position, her eyes darting about rapidly like a wild animal. It took her all of five seconds to realize she was back in L.A., in her bed, with a very distressed Cat sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Sammy, what's wrong?" Under normal circumstances, Sam would have never let Cat call her that. But at that moment, Sam was a confused, sobbing mess, a sight Cat had never seen nor expected to ever see. Sam would have put her walls back up and tried to regain composure but that just wasn't going to happen. And so Sam sobbed hard, letting go of her pride and allowing Cat to climb into bed to embrace her hysterical friend. The redhead rubbed Sam's back in an attempt to cheer her up to no avail.

"I really meant it." Sam repeated weakly, causing the confused Cat to narrow her eyes at Sam.

"You were saying his name. That Freddie boy you mentioned onc-" Cat didn't get to finish, and was interrupted by a louder, pitiful sob from Sam at the mention of his name.

"He wouldn't believe me. I loved him. I meant it. I really meant it, I always meant it." Sam mumbled into Cat's shoulder while the latter rocked back and forth in an attempt to soothe her. "No one believed me."

Cat tightened her hold on Sam, softly whispering to her, "I'm sure you did, Sam. You meant it. It was just a dream."

When Sam slowly settled down minutes later, still in Cat's embrace, she spoke up quietly, "Why is the pain so real?"

It was two in the morning when the new resident to Apartment 22 fell into a quiet slumber while Cat returned to her bed tired and assuming the evening was never to be brought up.

It was nine in the morning when Sam Puckett woke up with an extreme longing for Fredward Benson.

It was nine in the morning when Sam Puckett admitted to herself that she was not, in any way or form, free from the nub of her life's oblivious grasp on her.


End file.
